Saturday, 20 March 2010

Balancing trick

I'm a bit more awake now.

I was going to write about knitting today - mostly the Earth Stripe Curtain (I'm approaching the halfway point of the coloured section) - and I haven't finished seaming Nissa yet. But I've been thinking over the last couple of days, and it usually helps get things clear in my mind if I set them down.

It has been said to me recently, more than once, that it is possible I might have this pain for the rest of my life, and that I need to get my head round it. The pain might go away, over time - maybe the nerve was actually injured, and nerves do heal, albeit slowly - but equally, there may have been no actual injury to the nerve, so healing doesn't come into it.

By this, I mean that the nerve might be compressed, or stretched, or irritated, and if that's the case then I'm stuck with it - the nerve can't sort it out by healing, and the thing that is doing the compressing/stretching/irritating can't be fixed either - I've been told very clearly that further surgery in this area will not be possible, because of all the mesh.

There isn't any way to find out which is the real situation here, other than to wait and see. And it is a bit difficult finding a balanced viewpoint, finding a point between staying positive and optimistic, and still being realistic.

I've noticed that I have a distinct tendency to be over-optimistic.

If I have a day with very little pain, like yesterday - this does happen every so often - then I have a tendency to start thinking that maybe - just maybe - maybe the pain is going away! Maybe it won't come back! Maybe the pain is gone! Maybe I can start reducing these nasty meds! And a whole stack of other 'maybe's, too.....

But at the moment - for the time being - it does come back. And then it is difficult not to feel low in spirits.

So when I have a good day, I'm trying very hard to hold on to that balanced viewpoint - to say to myself instead that it is well managed at the moment. That we have a good handle on it, at the moment. That we're heading in the right direction, at the moment. That we've got things about right at the moment, and that is good. But most definitely never let myself think that it has completely gone.

The right balance is needed.....


Helen said...

I often console myself with the thought that at least I don't have much pain, so I can't comment on that except to say that you are doing very well, but I think I can comment on optimism and finding a balance. When I was diagnosed, I asked my doctor how long I might be ill and he said, 'Well, let's hope you're one of the people who's weeks rather than months.' That was in 1995, sigh, but I'm still very glad he gave me that answer and didn't outline all the ways in which I might have a bad outcome.

I tend to be an optimist too, and even if I'm feeling bad I'm not a complainer, and I expect people often think I'm in denial, but if leading the best life you can in restricted circumstances is denial, then that's OK with me. If you have to spend a week or a month at home, make sure you have books that you want to read, and films that you want to watch, so that you don't just pass the time. Enjoy the good days when they come and don't look too far ahead when it's bad. And don't take important decisions when it's bad.

And buy more yarn.

Linda said...

I do think optimism is better tham pessimism, but not suffering from pain I really don't know. x